Fooling Around: The Wattkins Diet

Following a Freedom of Information Act request from California Energy Circus , Governor Arnie released the administration?s long-awaited energy action policy. ?This is an action, action, action-filled plan. From now on, heavy amounts of power pumped at the Capitol and gyms will flow directly into the grid,? he said April 1. Effective immediately, all treadmills, stationary bikes, weight-lifting equipment, and like contraptions will be hooked to systems that convert the burning calories to burning watts to ensure the state?s supply reliability. Fitness teachers working to turn flabby abs into steel six-packs are being asked to fit their students to mobile converters that will switch the youthful energy into a positive charge. ?This innovative program is a win-win: It is good for the kids?, adults?, and grid?s waistline,? the Gov added while unwrapping a power bar. To emphasize his point, California?s Chief Personal Trainer pronounced April Energy Fitness Month. He declared war on energy hogs, particularly overweight power plants that guzzle far more juice than they release. Other targeted enemy combatants are clunker appliances that spew out much more pollution than convenience, as well as drafty hallways. Claudia Champing, CEC spokesperson, said the agency is thrilled with the administration?s commitment to fighting energy obesity. In a show of allegiance to low-fat conservation, all air conditioners in the CEC building will be disabled and every commission staff member will receive folding handheld fans to thwart the summer heat. Ceiling sprinklers will be engaged in the event that temperatures exceed forecasts or if hammocks start appearing in the cubicles. Investor-owned utility reps, and shareholders in particular, rushed to embrace the plan to redistribute economic fat. The 17 PG&E execs who reaped $84 million in bonuses said they would send their gains to the newly established Ken Lay Foundation, which provides financial and emotional support for troubled CEOs. Southern California Edison said it will put its Cornerofficeview project on the auction block. The Independent Energy Producers? Steven O?Really reacted with skepticism, wanting to know how the utility defined ?competition? and whether it would be see-through. To aid the process, each IEP member will be issued a pair of x-ray specs. San Diego Gas & Electric decided to forgo the premium attached to its Palomar project. TURN?s Matt Freenergy replied, ?They finally realized what I have been telling them during those closed-door procurement sessions: ratepayers simply don?t see a growing utility as being more to love.? Speaking of excess, this all may make you wonder about Arnie?s Hummer. It appears that all the Gov?s mechanics were unable to put the rolling eyesore on a hydrogen diet, despite his campaign predictions. Had they succeeded, there would still be no place for the hulk to fuel up, unless Schwheresthekegger has plans for a pump alongside his 2,000-square-foot driveway. To duck the bad PR, the First-Terminator is going with the logical transportation choice: the helicopter. ?Like hydrogen, it too begins with an h ,? he explained. But back to the state chief?s power plan: It turns out that the California Power Authority will be spared its life, though its new direction could find the agency?s staffers and many consultants in a pickle?literally. The governor has asked that all really-hard-to- open jars throughout the state, including those whose lids ?don?t budge even after you run them under hot water or bang them on the counter,? be sent immediately to the CPA. The agency?s new ?Unscrew You? program is expected to pay for itself through fund-raising contests where participants see how fast they can open myriad frozen containers under ?Survivor?-like conditions. ?We?re betting that thousands of citizens will give good money to watch Joe Citizen or Brenda Bureaucrat burst into tears wrenching away at a jar of hot mustard,? said Department of Finance head Donna Arduous. Slimming down the state?s energy bureaucracy, the CEC will site transmission projects along with power plants. Asked whether he would consider expedited reviews for the badly needed lines, the governor replied in the affirmative. ?My administration will leave Gov. Gray Davis?s so-called speedy 21-day siting in the dust. We will certify new power line projects in record time.? The CEC was called on to immediately implement a 24-hour fitness process. Asked how he would deal with public concerns, Arnie said, ?Tell them to watch Leno tonight and all their questions will be actioned.? The administration tried to placate the CPUC over the agency?s loss of wire and pole authority with the news that it will have first dibs on LNG siting. Following queries about the little problem state regulators have had on the matter with the Federal Energy Regulatory Commission, the governor said it isn?t an issue. According to reliable Capitol insiders, a deal was made with the state chief?s less muscular and less popular counterpart at the federal level to ensure the feds will butt out or be history. Also included in the Trainer?s announcement was the breakthrough with recalcitrant munis, which finally agreed to join the California Indecipherable Systems grid. A dazed John Fisto?iron, legislative director for the Northern California Power Agency, confirmed the report. ?The last thing I remember from our meeting with the governor at 4:04 A.M. on April 1 was him telling us that we were getting sleepy, very sleepy,? he said. State energy agencies were so inspired by their bosses that they promised to buff up their programs. After months of foot-dragging, the CPUC announced there would be a green power solicitation within 24 hours. ?The RPS standards are hot off the bench press,? said CPUC head Michael Peeved. Renewables suppliers were in awe, noting with amazement what some administrative steroids could do. Just down the hall from the amped-up Peeved, CPUC member Loretta Lyonsden plans to sue the East Bay Sensitive Business Men?s Group for being insensitive. The femaleless poker club made the mistake of rejecting Lyonsden?s membership application, saying they could be sensitive only in an all-male environment. An investigation revealed, however, that the real reason for the snub was that Lynch is an ace poker player and members, including PG&E veep Dan Richerthanyou and TURN lawyer Mike Flooringit, were afraid she?d make a killing. Finally, Energy Circus itself was found to have been simultaneously bingeing and slacking lately. Staff have been hanging out far too much at the Attackerman/Flooringit Quotable 5000 machine, grabbing 32-ounce canned calories instead of lifting heavy telecommunications equipment to take in alternate sources of nutritious commentary. Publishers are rerouting the machine?s wiring to deliver a small jolt of electricity for every quote dispensed, hoping that writers will be conditioned to seek other pundits or at least be able to sell net-metered high-calorie quotes back to the grid.

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Fooling Around: The Wattkins Diet

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