Grid Vine

By Published On: March 15, 2013

Dr. Snarky Sparks got an offer she couldn’t refuse. Earlier this year, Dr. Wattson and partner in gossip crimes She’lock bought out her practice, allowing Dr. Sparks to spend more time with family and to read English crime novels, which are not as strange as fact—or family. Dr. Wattson’s friend recently uncovered an outbreak of climate influenza. Washington State Republican Rep. Ed Orcutt’s temperature soared. The evidence: In response to a protest over a proposed fee on new bicycles in a transportation bill, Orcott told the owner of a bike shop that contrary to claims, cyclists exacerbate climate change when they pedal hard. “The act of riding a bike results in greater emissions of carbon dioxide from the rider. Since CO2 is deemed a greenhouse gas and a pollutant, bicyclists are actually polluting when they ride,”Orcutt wrote. His spin on the crime of spinning generated additional heat. In an attempt to bring the fever down, Orcutt backtracked. “Although I have always recognized that bicycling emits less carbon than cars, I see I did a poor job of indicating that within my email.” Dr. Wattson also followed She’lock while investigating imaginary biofuels for a Royal’s profit. Bogus sales of renewable fuel caught a federal district court’s interest. The perpetrator, Rodney Hailey, last month was sentenced to 12 years in prison for selling $9 million of nonexistent renewable fuel credits. “The only thing Rodney Hailey’s ‘Clean Green Fuel’ business produced was the dirty money he used to fund his lavish lifestyle.” stated U.S. attorney Rod Rosenstein. After boiling up several bio-batches in the laboratory, She’lock discovered that between March 2009 and December 2010, Hailey sold over 35 million credits representing an imaginary 23 million gallons of bio-diesel fuel to brokers and oil companies. His “Clean Green Fuel,’ supposedly based in Maryland, produced no bio-diesel fuel and lacked the equipment to do so. She’lock also discovered Hailey was ordered to pay $42 million in restitution to 20 companies who bought the biofuel credits. Pacific Gas & Electric found that crime fiction and fantasy fiction can be confusing. Dr. Wattson reports the utility reassessed the damage caused by a gaggle of gnomes (or is it a “gargoyle of nomenclatures?”) screwed into utility poles in Oakland around Lake Merritt. PG&E threatened to remove the more than 2,000 paintings of red-capped, white-bearded little fellows, much to the horror of gnome advocates. The popular, un-named (un-gnomed?) artist wrote PG&E, “We see too much garbage on the streets here, too many shootings, too much violence, not enough that makes one stop and smile. They were meant to be an ongoing gift to my community.” After revealing the art-i-facts, She’lock forced a confession from the utility. "We received a great deal of public feedback, so we're declaring the poles gnome-man’s land. We're not going to remove them.” While on a stroll of the media countryside, She’lock tripped over a fox hunt. That burrow turned out to be a media hole that was outraged over bird kills at wind farms. Fox News reported the massacre of 500 songbirds in West Virginia because of turbine blades. She’lock immediately pulled out a magnifying glass to look into the matter and came across some novel research. Et viola! noted She’lock, riffing on the violin. It’s not a leading edge, it’s a kitty. Cats take out far more birds than blades. A total 2.4 billion birds in the U.S. are stalked and killed by felines compared to 440,000 by windmills, according to a study by Nature and U.S. Fish and Wildlife. Back in the city at 212B Baker St., Silicon Valley, it appears that She’lock discovered Sunnyvale-based fuel cell maker Bloom Energy exploited more than a dozen immigrant workers, paying them $2.66/hour. A federal district court judge in early February ordered the company to pay $31,922 in back wages and an equal amount in liquidated damages to 14 workers that the company brought in from Chihuahua, Mexico, according to the U.S. Department of Labor. “It is appalling that this was happening right in the heart of Silicon Valley, one of the wealthiest per capita areas in the U.S.,” stated Ruben Rosalez, regional administrator for the department’s wage and hour division in the West. Our investigative duo also came across some other unfun factoids. All those EXIT signs above doorways in public places, clubs and other gathering spots, are lit up by radioactive tritium. Tritium reportedly emits low-energy radiation, but according to some, poses no health threat if the tubes remain sealed. Dr. Wattson shared blogs with the Nuclear Regulatory Commission. The agency noted it “does not, however, approve consumer devices with radioactive material simply because they are cool. A proposed product must pass our ‘frivolous use’ standard—meaning the radioactive source provides a benefit. Glow-in-the-dark trinkets need not apply.” EXIT signs appear to be big on college student’s trophy wall. Because they’re radioactive, the commission has to be copied on reports of their thefts. Those reports appear several times a month on the commission’s “event” list—that’s the same web place that nuclear power plant accidents are noted.

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